My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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