someone threw a dead crab at me
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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