Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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