Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
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Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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