Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
