apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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