how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
