also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
