I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
