I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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