I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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