You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
