if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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