U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
