and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
