On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
