I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
