I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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