That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
