the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...