We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
