Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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