they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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