the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
