you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
