Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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