I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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