You're my little dorito
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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