this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
