I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
