I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
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i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.