There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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