the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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