Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
