I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
