Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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