Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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