Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
