The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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