I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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