His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
