I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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