new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize