Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
