dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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