By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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