Dual....:-)
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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