Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
