You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
