I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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