it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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