dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
