So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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