Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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