I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
