Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
